Still Smarter

Approximately 4 years ago my wife called me on my mobile, I was working, driving at the time, she advised me that our eldest daughter (I admit it, my favourite child) had developed terminal cancer. This moment and the ramifications of that event changed my life.

My daughter, Clare died last September. Viewing those words now, 10 months on is still a shock. My wife and I have both had counciliing, to what avail/end, I am unaware of currently.

Children should not pass on before their parents. It is without all notions that could be considered or suffered the worst outcome endurable.

I write this text as a further release and expulsion of the continual pain I feel.

Before my daughter died she and her family went on holiday to Cornwall. To facilitate this I fitted a roof box to their family car, I had to drill the crossbars on the rack on her new £70k electric car to make it secure. The roof box was given to us by a friend.
During that holiday, away from my daughter's usual support she developed an infection in a feeding tube which ultimately led to her death. She would not have questioned her choices as she wished to have normal family holiday with her children.

Last week I was contacted by 'that' friend asking me to fit that roof box on her new car. I carried out the same procedure on her new electric car so that she and her family could also, travel to Cornwall tomorrow. I was unaware as I left her house yesterday of the similarity of events.

This morning at 05.45 I left my house to drive to work. A few minutes later those similarities dawned upon me. I heard the words 'Thanks Dad, we had a good holiday'. This startled me. I turned in my seat, stopping the car, traumatised. After a few minutes, after my conscious mind had put together what I had been only subconsciously aware of I sat there and cried.

I then continued on my journey.

I now know what 'haunting' is. It is not necessarily a bad thing. I am and have been aware subconsciously of my daughter's presence with me for months. Always there. On rare and on much sought after occasions her presence is evident to my conscious senses. To date I have only been aware audibly, not visually, audibly is always relevant to my particular place and situation. I do not question their input. They are always beyond any current thoughts I may be generating, someone else with an ethereal input to my then conscious concentrating thoughts. An addition to normal consciousness, an altered or enhanced state. They only appear while I am focused on something of a mild almost 'muscle memory' nature like driving or training repition assembly.

Bereavement, traumatic, painful. I am searching for the elements within it that may help me indure it. I am going to make myself a G&T now. I know my daughter would approve. Vented I am.

Clare being present with you, must be some comfort. Does time heal or do we just get older?
I cannot imagine your pain, but I can send you a hug.

Thank you. This morning I did consider contacting/ pm you to ask to remove my post as it may be inappropriate. I now however would leave it as it is, if no one is offended. With a post script, as it may help others.....

Life continues, rarely as we expect it to be but it continues. I cherish the remaining members of my family so much much more now.

WelshGin wrote: Fri Jul 19, 2024 1:11 pm Thank you. This morning I did consider contacting/ pm you to ask to remove my post as it may be inappropriate. I now however would leave it as it is, if no one is offended. With a post script, as it may help others.....

Life continues, rarely as we expect it to be but it continues. I cherish the remaining members of my family so much much more now.

Write whatever you need my friend. If anyone is offended, they are free to keep on scrolling.

Thank you.

I appreciate that. Of course certain people only receive a 'near miss'. I wonder if he considers himself warned, you know took it as an invite to another life? I also wonder if Nigel will start wearing an ear dressing in honour. Remember no politics.

There's a question? Can we discuss other countries politics rather than our own?

WG's post reminded me of 30+ years ago, when my sister was in hosp after a rather nasty (and remarkably "small world") RTA.

I clearly recall my late mother being in a hell of a bad way at the time, especially when she said "your kids aren't supposed to die before you do".

In our case, we were lucky. My sister recovered, with 3 fused vertebrae. Just that the whole thing left my mother "changed" a little.

Equally, losing a close relative/loved one is a rubbish experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It's one of the most crappy things that life deals some of us - the pain just lessens with time.

WelshGin wrote: Fri Jul 19, 2024 8:03 pm Thank you.

I appreciate that. Of course certain people only receive a 'near miss'. I wonder if he considers himself warned, you know took it as an invite to another life? I also wonder if Nigel will start wearing an ear dressing in honour. Remember no politics.

There's a question? Can we discuss other countries politics rather than our own?

I would prefer it if we didn’t discuss politics period. Along with religion, it is a very quick way to fall out.

Thank you. Not ambiguous or open to interpretation. No empathy there. X ta.