I have not seen this joke written down before. I will try and pass on the delicacy of the situation.
This is a Welsh Joke, not an English joke.
An English farmer who lives on the border with Wales, is out in his fields tending his crops. His boundary to the next farm in Wales has a hedge as a boundary, on the border. On this particular day, he notices his neighbour, a Welsh farmer, the other side of the hedge, the Welsh farmer is buggering a sheep. He quickly looks away. However the Welsh Farmer has noticed the English farmer's glance and cordially waves.
The English Farmer, curious regarding the situation, walked towards the hedge to engage his Welsh neighbour in conversation.
The English Farmer begins by saying, "that alright is it?", the Welsh Farmer repiies, " yes, she is an old ewe, she doesn't get a lot of pleasure these days, also it is a long way back to the farm house, the wife might be out."
The English Farmer, considers the reply.
The English Farmer then asks, "Can I have a go?"
The Welsh Farmer thinks about this for a second, considering throwing the ewe over the hedge.
In that moment, the English Farmer pulls his trousers down and sticks his arse through the hedge!
The Welsh Farmer, accepts 'there is nought as strange as Folkes, particularly the English ones!
WelshGin
Still Dreaming.
Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
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Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
WelshGin.
Still Dreaming.
Still Dreaming.
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gaza the instructor
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Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
The best joke well told!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Y3AXzZqg2k&t=32s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Y3AXzZqg2k&t=32s
Mirror-signal-manoeuvre.
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gaza the instructor
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Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Ohhh come on guys and gals some jokes please.
I have a couple of show stoppers, but I would be
drummed out the brownies and have to sit on
the naughty step if I did. So I am not gonna, lips are
sealed and won't give in to torture or tickling.
I have a couple of show stoppers, but I would be
drummed out the brownies and have to sit on
the naughty step if I did. So I am not gonna, lips are
sealed and won't give in to torture or tickling.
Mirror-signal-manoeuvre.
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
You'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to that good looking girl over there."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
Ice.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
You'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to that good looking girl over there."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
Ice.
Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.
-Benjamin Franklin
-Benjamin Franklin
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gaza the instructor
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Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
LOVE it Iceman knew you had a good 'un.
Mirror-signal-manoeuvre.
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
More than happy for you to exchange hilarity, but please do remember that we have lady members.
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Have you tried turning it off and back on again?
Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit.
If it’s broken, it might be my fault, is my responsibility and there is even a slight chance I can fix it
Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit.
If it’s broken, it might be my fault, is my responsibility and there is even a slight chance I can fix it
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gaza the instructor
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Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
10.4 Donald Duck. I am a reformed character and I don't want to sit on the
naughty step any more , so will keep my show stoppers under my hat.
naughty step any more , so will keep my show stoppers under my hat.
Mirror-signal-manoeuvre.
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Did you hear about the mathematician who was scared of negative numbers?
He'd stop at nothing to avoid them!
He'd stop at nothing to avoid them!
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
Olive or twist?
Olive or twist?
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Jennysgin wrote: Tue Apr 05, 2022 9:42 pm What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
Olive or twist?
Have you tried turning it off and back on again?
Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit.
If it’s broken, it might be my fault, is my responsibility and there is even a slight chance I can fix it
Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit.
If it’s broken, it might be my fault, is my responsibility and there is even a slight chance I can fix it
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Have you been stock piling your jokes Jen?
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Have you tried turning it off and back on again?
Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit.
If it’s broken, it might be my fault, is my responsibility and there is even a slight chance I can fix it
Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit.
If it’s broken, it might be my fault, is my responsibility and there is even a slight chance I can fix it
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Ice.
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.
-Benjamin Franklin
-Benjamin Franklin
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
The metric system is in wide use all over the world. This is why American
have not adopted it:.....
A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometres.
Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimetres and he'll take 1.6 kilometres.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 litres of pickled peppers.
Have a nice day.
Ice.
have not adopted it:.....
A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometres.
Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimetres and he'll take 1.6 kilometres.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 litres of pickled peppers.
Have a nice day.
Ice.
Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.
-Benjamin Franklin
-Benjamin Franklin
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...
Ice.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...
Ice.
Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.
-Benjamin Franklin
-Benjamin Franklin
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Several years ago one of my employees who had a drinking habit and who was frequently late, once again arrived late at work. He came to me to explain why, ....
I was stopped on the road by a young police officer for speeding. He pulled me over, walked back to my car, tapped on the window and asked to see my driving licence.
I told him, it is in the glove box with my gun.
He asked why I had a gun in the glovebox? I told him because there is a dead body in the boot.
He said stay there sir and wait.
A few minutes later there was a helicopter circling my car and then many other police cars arrived.
A few minutes after that a very senior police officer walked up to my car and tapped on the window.
I opened it, the officer said, my young officer said he has asked you for your driving licence?
I said yes, I reached over, opened the glovebox and gave him my licence.
He said, there is no gun in there. My young officer said there is a body in your boot. I said don't be bloody stupid.
I then said, I bet he has been telling you I was bloody speeding too!
I told my employee to bring me his clock card so I could sign the absence as approved and get on with his day.
WelshGin.
I was stopped on the road by a young police officer for speeding. He pulled me over, walked back to my car, tapped on the window and asked to see my driving licence.
I told him, it is in the glove box with my gun.
He asked why I had a gun in the glovebox? I told him because there is a dead body in the boot.
He said stay there sir and wait.
A few minutes later there was a helicopter circling my car and then many other police cars arrived.
A few minutes after that a very senior police officer walked up to my car and tapped on the window.
I opened it, the officer said, my young officer said he has asked you for your driving licence?
I said yes, I reached over, opened the glovebox and gave him my licence.
He said, there is no gun in there. My young officer said there is a body in your boot. I said don't be bloody stupid.
I then said, I bet he has been telling you I was bloody speeding too!
I told my employee to bring me his clock card so I could sign the absence as approved and get on with his day.
WelshGin.
WelshGin.
Still Dreaming.
Still Dreaming.
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
God sent an angel to earth to visit every nation state and report back to him on the situation.
The angel asked, in any particular order? God said No, just don't miss any out. He added report to me after each visit.
The angel did as instructed. After the Angel visited Wales she reported to God.
The angel said to God, I believe there has been some favouritism here, God said Why?
The angel said, Wales has everything, beautiful countryside, mountains, valleys, seaside and lakes, a temperate climate, bountiful meat and vegetables, beautiful women, Hanson men with wonderful voices. It seams unfair compared to many other countries, How do you account for this?
God said, You visited the countries in alphabetical order yes?
The angel said yes.
God said, then perhaps you have forgotten who Wales's neighbours are!
WelshGin.
The angel asked, in any particular order? God said No, just don't miss any out. He added report to me after each visit.
The angel did as instructed. After the Angel visited Wales she reported to God.
The angel said to God, I believe there has been some favouritism here, God said Why?
The angel said, Wales has everything, beautiful countryside, mountains, valleys, seaside and lakes, a temperate climate, bountiful meat and vegetables, beautiful women, Hanson men with wonderful voices. It seams unfair compared to many other countries, How do you account for this?
God said, You visited the countries in alphabetical order yes?
The angel said yes.
God said, then perhaps you have forgotten who Wales's neighbours are!
WelshGin.
WelshGin.
Still Dreaming.
Still Dreaming.
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Not so much funny, but very very true...
10 Hilarious Murphy's Laws...
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the restroom.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
6. Guy's Variation Rider - If you change queues or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This also works in supermarkets and shops.
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Decree of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. This is also the case if you are female and you have gone out with no makeup and wearing your worst clothes and with greasy hair.
9. Murphy's Office Law - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. This will also happen when you show someone that something on the computer is easy and it doesn't work.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
I know I think I've broken all of them. except #8 about the makeup.. 
Ice.
10 Hilarious Murphy's Laws...
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the restroom.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
6. Guy's Variation Rider - If you change queues or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This also works in supermarkets and shops.
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Decree of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. This is also the case if you are female and you have gone out with no makeup and wearing your worst clothes and with greasy hair.
9. Murphy's Office Law - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. This will also happen when you show someone that something on the computer is easy and it doesn't work.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
I know I think I've broken all of them.
except #8 about the makeup.. Ice.
Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.
-Benjamin Franklin
-Benjamin Franklin
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Oh so very true....
Everything that I wanted as a teenager.....
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I don't have acne. Life is great.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have grey hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
Ice.
Everything that I wanted as a teenager.....
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I don't have acne. Life is great.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have grey hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
Ice.
Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.
-Benjamin Franklin
-Benjamin Franklin
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Police have found a large number of dead crows on the bypass this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis, it was noted that varying colours of paint appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological (Bird) Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
I'll get my coat....Ice.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis, it was noted that varying colours of paint appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological (Bird) Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
I'll get my coat....Ice.
Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.
-Benjamin Franklin
-Benjamin Franklin
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Easydrinker
- Valued Member / Donated to SS
- Posts: 6703
- Joined: Sun Feb 17, 2019 8:15 am
- Location: The Hills of Lowland Scotland
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Icefever wrote: Sun Apr 10, 2022 6:55 am Oh so very true....
Everything that I wanted as a teenager.....
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I don't have acne. Life is great.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have grey hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
I am entering your velodrome mate.
I fear that you have the faster bike.......
Robert.
Ice.
There is no ONE way.
"Everyone's happy. Everyone's smiling. No-One here is sad anymore"
"Everyone's happy. Everyone's smiling. No-One here is sad anymore"
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
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To Gin-finity and beyond !
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Ice.
Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.
-Benjamin Franklin
-Benjamin Franklin
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking up his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the bannister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best as he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Ice.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the bannister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best as he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Ice.
Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.
-Benjamin Franklin
-Benjamin Franklin
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
Me: please can you bring me a screwdriver babe.
Girlfriend: Flathead, Phillips or vodka.
And that's when I knew she was the one
Girlfriend: Flathead, Phillips or vodka.
And that's when I knew she was the one
To Gin-finity and beyond !
Re: Jokes. An angel will be born. A bell will ring.
A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."